Scars

Occasionally I struggle with wondering if I really know the Lord or not. When I read verses in the gospels about those whom the Lord says "depart from me... I never knew you", or others in 1 John about believers not sinning, sometimes it derails me a little bit. I start to wonder "am I one of those people?" If I am, then I am in big trouble. My sins are still on me. Now, don't get me wrong, I understand these bouts to be subtle attempts by the enemy of my soul to get me to focus on my righteousness rather than Jesus'. Nevertheless, sometimes these struggles are really tough.

I've been experiencing just that sort of struggle for about a month. At the same time, I've really wanted to see the Lord work and move in my life. I am reading a book by Terry Virgo called "The Tide is Turning". In it, Terry speaks of the life of Joseph and how the Lord gave him dreams. He also frequently quotes from the prophet Joel where the scripture speaks of "sons and daughters prophesying" and people having dreams and visions.

I love dreams and am thankful for even the bad ones. I frequently ask the Lord to reveal himself to me through my dreams. So, last night as I was going to sleep, I asked the Lord to do so. "Give me some dreams Lord".

He answered my request!

Just before I awoke this morning, I had the most unusual dream. Let me give some context...

When I was a young dork, I used to scratch things into my arms, write stuff on them (you know, like fake tattoos, etc), write people's phone numbers, crass comments, etc, etc. Sometimes (as intended) the scratching left scars resembling what I had scratched into my arms. Girl's names and initials, "SKINHEAD", swastikas, etc. these are all things I had scratched into my arms at one time or another.

Well, in my dream this AM, I had developed some sort of strange medical problem whereby all my old scars were resurfacing, even the things I wrote on my arms with ink were visible, kind of like when you erase stuff that's been on a dry-erase board for too long. It was all there, perfectly legible. It was very unsettling, and very painful. I felt like my arms were experiencing all the pain they'd ever experienced all at once. Along with the old scars and marks, were some new ones that were very obvious, painful, etc.

In my dream I called the doctor and was arranging to come in and see him and then suddenly really felt stupid in my dream because I was seeking medical attention for something so strange. Then I woke up.

"What a strange dream! What was that about Lord?"

"Look at your arms" came the Lord's reply into my mind.

"You see any marks? Any scars?"

"No" I reply.

"Neither do I" responded that quiet inner voice of the spirit.

Ahhh, I see the connection!

So I got to pondering about my whole wrestling with whether or not my sins were still on my head. The old ones, even the new ones. It was very clear to me that the Lord was letting me know that they were not. My arms were just fine. Normal as normal can be.

So I got to thinking some more about some of this scar stuff...

You know, if I keep whacking/beating my arms till they turn beet red, sometimes I can see the remnants of some of those scars and scratchings (not the ink though). When I don't beat my arms, I cannot see them. I think sin is the same way. When we beat ourselves up, we can usually see some remaining scars from what the Lord has healed. When we leave ourselves alone and rest in Him, we cannot see them.

Thank you Lord for dreams and clean arms!