Monday, March 26, 2007

Getting Behind the Ball Again

It really bugs me when my kids won't trust me. I constantly have to encourage my kids to trust me.
Here's an example... I'm trying to get my sons to learn to catch a baseball properly. They're so afraid of the ball sometimes it's mind-boggling! It usually goes something like this: I get really close to my boys and tell them exactly what I am going to do, and exactly how they should anticipate and prepare to catch the ball. I throw them the ball, they turn their head away, and them the ball lands squarely on some sensitive part of their body with just enough force to elicit an "ouch", or in some cases tears and screams.

They just don't want to listen to what I tell them! They fear that if they follow my instructions, they'll get hit in the head with a baseball. The funny thing is, it's their fear of getting hit that makes them turn away, and thus miss catching the ball, resulting in injury. Rather than accept my admonishment and change their technique, they eventually give up and go inside. I was the same exact way when I was a kid!

I used to get hit in the head all the time as a kid learning to play baseball. And I've been hit in the head a few times in my walk with the father! Just like my boys, the problem was not with the pitcher, my instructor, the ball, the game, my brother, the sun, my dad, etc. but FEAR!

In my walk with the Lord, I am finding out that I am STILL the same way! My H-Dad says "Get behind that ball, glove up", and I look away and hope not to get hit! The Lord is good though! He's such a good dad, even when I am a son lacking the confidence to get in front of the ball, He keeps admonishing me patiently despite my failure to listen to his gentle instruction.

When I started walking with Jesus in 1990, I was ready and willing to listen to any instructions I got from the Father. Then, I found my way into organizations (all "church"-based by the way!) that slowly deteriorated my confidence and trust in Jesus, and/or my confidence in how to relate to Jesus. This has been particularly true in the area of the act of worship (not the attitude so much). As a new believer, I enjoyed the freedom to worship Jesus in spirit, soul, mind and body. Then, many came along whom slowly turned my attention away, whom insisted that God does not work like he used to, that God was no interested in a soulful response from his kids. That my heart was dark and could not be trusted or engaged in a worship. I should have just kept my eye on the ball and listened to my father's instructions!

That sure explains why for 15 years I felt like an empty cistern in dry and thirsty land! God designed us as emotional creatures! We're admonished all through the scriptures to pursue God with ALL our hearts. Sure, we cannot live by emotions but we can certainly respond to truth as a whole person, emotions included!

For 15 years, I've lived in this dryness of soul. Praise be to God, he's gently leading me back to a right understanding and a freedom to allow him to engage my emotions, showing me the error of looking away from the ball, and foremost, teaching me that the pain I've had is from getting hit by the ball when looking away in fear!

Not any more! No more soulless worship. No more 'those things ended after the epistles were written'. No more 'the Holy Spirit does not work that way'. Everyone who's been telling me those things themselves lead a dry and crusty life!
For years I'd been believing that God would not, heh, could not speak to me through another person's prophetic utterance. That tongues of another language were of the devil, the enjoying the worship of God by lifting your hands or God-forbid shouting or shedding a tear in response to God was a sign of being a 'weaker brethren'. These people are just spiritually jealous and don't want to see anyone else experience joy that they themselves have not or do not enjoy.

I repent! Jesus I repent for turning away from your instruction! Throw me the ball again. I'm ready to step into it.

1 comment:

Laura J said...

This is REALLY encouraging! It might behoove you to read it at this time in your like! :)